Getting over it, or maybe reasoning through

I've had fairly good reasons to not rush through the first draft of the story I started after creating this blog: I had deadlines that required all of my focus, then my attention had to turn to family and making up for all the Christmas prep I had no time for before.  Now I have a few weeks with no deadlines and I should be able to turn my whole mind (at least for a few hours each day) to writing that story.  Yet, I hesitate.

Am I still hung up on the fear of sharing my taboo fantasies with the world?  Yes, but that's not exactly it.  In the wee hours of the morning, before wakefulness could take hold, I had a moment of clarity on the subject and realized a few things:

1. I hate rape.  OK, I was never confused about that.  Rape is a sick, horrible violation that causes deep scares in its victims whether the act was accompanied by brutal violence, mental coercion, or unconsciousness/incapacitation. 

2. The fiction that I'm talking about isn't that, but damned if I can explain the difference. 

I don't want to say that the difference is that these are just stories--words, even when strung together in make-believe--can change lives.  But just being stories is part of it.  As a child, I was trapped in a situation I couldn't get out of, and for all that I fought for healing and personal power, I landed myself into a repeat of that dynamic with my first marriage.  But I can turn off a video that freaks me out instead of turns me on.  I can close a web page or delete an e-book.   Having that control instead of having control ripped away makes this different.

When American Online was young, and so was I, kiddie porn showed up randomly in my inbox.  I don't know if I was in a chatroom that led some psycho to think I'd be OK with that, or if they spammed many people with the images.  I don't care.  I contacted the authorities and I hope they caught the fuckers involved and helped that kid.  I don't have that reaction when some pink haired little Lolita gets tentacle raped in an anime.  As much as it may feel otherwise when we love them, characters aren't people. 

Some folks despise anime porn and declare the artists and the fans freaks.  Others call it protected speech.  I say that as long as it's drawings and imagination, that kink is no worse than mine, which is no worse than bdsm, which is no worse than vanilla sex. 

And maybe that gets to the root of it: I don't particularly want anyone to see me having vanilla sex, either.  So I'm not only choosing to share fictitious versions of something I deem very private, but I'm adding to that by heaping on taboo that is loudly rejected by many.

All right.  I've mentally worked out why I'm still hesitating.  Now we'll see if I can actually get past that.

Humiliated Elven Bride

...My annoyance is partly my fault.  The book description comes complete with Warning! This story contains 4,908 words including m/f sex, spanking, bestiality, double penetration, public humiliation, public sex, forced sex, and pseudo incest, and is for adults only!  Clearly, I saw "public sex" and "forced sex" and became completely blind to "4,908 words".  There are some pretty decent novellas and even indie novels out there for the price of this short story, so without those words, I wouldn't have coughed up those few measly dollars. 

But it isn't the shortness of the tale that has me giving a less than stellar review for Humiliated Elven Bride by Jane Amber.  It's rather the way the story made me feel cheap and used, and NOT in a sexy dirty secret way.  The plot is pretty much all in the title and warning, which is fine.  The slip in tense, the repetition of information that the reader pretty much already got, and the textual glitches were less fine.  And the appearance of a dead character--no, not a ghost, just carelessness. 

I'll admit that bestiality isn't my kink, yet it can fit in well within a story about humiliation.  And when purposely reading offensive material, I take no offense.  But I spent more time thinking at the author (hey, it's not like she'd have heard me if I said it aloud) about the ways in which what she wrote was physically impossible than reading it. 

All that put together made me feel, not so much like I'd read a story that I didn't care for, but like I'd read a story that the author didn't care for...Like she'd found a niche where suckers would give her $2.99 a pop because there just isn't that much material to suit what they're looking for.

I don't recommend this title.  I sort of wish that I could take away the one star it was given by the brave soul who attached his screen name to the Amazon review.

I'm going to write that book.  I think.

OK, I'm definitely going to write it, but I'm not going to share it with my critique group.

Oh, but then if I publish it, I don't want it to be one of those indie books that's so riddled with errors that most can't enjoy reading it.  I'll at least need a beta reader, but who can I trust not to freak out?

...Maybe this would be different if I came to writing from reading erotica or even romance.  Erotica's naughty by definition and each of those related genre has a history of stories including...dubious consent.  Instead, I've always been a fan of science-fiction and fantasy, especially urban fantasy of late.  There, rape is part of a backstory that explains why the heroine has become so hardcore.  Or it's part of an ongoing story that pisses many fans off, but can also explore a situation that too many readers have experienced and, in the hands of a very skilled author, can bring some measure of understanding or even healing.  It is never, ever for titillation.

But titillation is exactly what I'm looking for.

I can get that in various places across the web.  I discovered that I wasn't the only one with dirty little taboo fantasies by stumbling upon fan fiction (oh, the things Krycek would do to Mulder when he had him trapped away from Scully).  Hentai is loaded with chicks abused by perverts and demons.  There are loads of live action rape fantasy sites...I can view this material on my computer screen where it's nobody's business but mine and my husband's.

Yet, as a speculative fiction reader, I want this titillation in (SOME of) my sci-fi/fantasy.  Until recently, the best I could do was erotica with spec-fic elements or BDSM erotica, neither quite hit the mark.  Of course, there's paranormal romance, but I think it's pretty obvious right now that romance isn't what I'm looking for.  As indy publishing (erotic or not) carries less stigma, more books that come closer are coming out all the time.

Then I found Reapers by Marata Eros. 

*REAPERS is a 21,000 word/80 page mixed genre paranormal novella (1-2 hours reading time) in the following categories: Erotica/horror with an undertone of romance. 

Posted 9/10/11:

**WARNING- possible objectionable material: This book is intended for an adult audience and contains marginal consent, RAPE, multiple partners, forced breeding, vampire sex, and oral play.**

She had me  at "warning".  With all the bad reviews from people who bought a rape story but didn't want one, she's (at the time of this writing at least) offering the novella for free.  How could I say no?  I dove right in and...it's OK.  She's a good writer and I plan to read more of her work. But.  The rape is...well...rape.  Michelle, the slutty best friend of the main character, hooks up with a guy for a little casual sex.  Dancing with the guy's buddy, our heroine (Rachel) decides that she doesn't like how  Michelle vanished without giving a clear signal, so they go looking for the other pair.  They find Michelle getting pounded, not just by the guy who picked her up, but also by another man, forcing her face down on his cock.  Rather than feeling all tingly, I wanted to call 911.  But it did speak to promising things to come.

The horror element wasn't particularly scary.  Instead, the Vampires, Druids, and Rogue of the story made for interesting paranormal world building.  It left me wanting to read more.  It left me wanting to explore some of the taboo ideas that interrupt my "normal" writing.

I hit the web again for resources and found a lot of romance and urban fantasy fans condemning rape in fiction.  I've long since reached the point where I embrace my personal kink, but dare I share when that attitude prevails?  Then I found this.  Her experience is similar to mine and she embraces her enjoyment of rape fantasies, both in reading and writing.  I feel encouraged to do the same.

So here I am.  If the writing proves fruitful, this is the first blog post of my career in erotic speculative fiction with dark themes.  If it doesn't, then at least I've got a spot where I can explore those themes and promote the stories that I find.